Go Green

Normal houses have normal house problems like a leaky roof or cellar, or drafts, or standard creaking and moaning. Mine is this tree. The truth is, I never saw it coming. It must have started when the tree began to grow too close to the house and embedded itself into the wall. From there, its branches continued to grow, creeping through the exterior walls over the years, tearing into the foundation. I didn't pay much mind to it until a crack in the wall exposed the monster for what it truly was. A parasite. My crack appeared on the east side of the house, opposite the tree. I left it be until it grew bigger and finally opened a hole, revealing a sturdy wooden arm clawing its way around the house. Suspicious, I decided to watch the tree closely. Sure enough, as the years progressed, I began to notice shifts in my daily life, directly resulting from my infestation. Rolling out of bed, for instance, became much easier. Climbing the stairs, however, became more laborious. Some of my walls began to bulge, creating unorthodox interior design limitations. For the most part, I didn't mind and in fact, relished the unique situation I had found myself in. Unfortunately, complacency didn't last. Over a short several months, I abandoned a few windows for inability to open them. More than a few branches now jutted from various walls and ceilings and floors, making every day maneuvering an arduous process. Autumn became a particularly frustrating season. Soon entire rooms were shut off from me by thick bars of lumber. Limited to only the kitchen, dining room, living room and guest bathroom, I was increasingly angered with my captor. I went out and purchased a machete and began to hack at the beast, temporarily freeing myself out of my four rooms and into a fifth and sixth. I stockpiled my liberated belongings and fell asleep on the couch. The next morning, I found my machete wedged between the floor and a newly sprouted limb and the front door barred by three thigh-wide tentacles. Scratching my head, I retreated to the kitchen, opened a can of beans and landed on the couch to watch some television.